Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Can you spare some change?

I just *love* to find money on the ground. It started with pennies and the old phrase "see a penny, pick it up, all the day you have good luck." Then, it spread to dimes after I read an article about angels supposedly leaving dimes on the ground for you so that you know they are watching over you. Now, I just scour the ground for money. Yes, I am that crazy person that will stop in her tracks for a penny or a dime or if I am REALLY lucky, a quarter!

So the money scrounger in me was on high alert today at Starbucks when a lady found some money lying on the ground and asked if it belonged to anyone. This was REAL money - you know, the paper kind? I remember thinking WHY- why didn't you look down??? It was all folded up and looked like it had slipped out of someone's wallet in their rush for a venti half caf latte with room. She asked me first. I, in a moment of honesty and compassion, said it wasn't mine and directed her to the two people who had been in front of me.

The first woman said it wasn't hers because she only had a gift card. The second guy also said it was not his. So I told the woman it was her lucky day and the money was now hers. So the second guy, the one who said it was NOT his money, then asks "is it a hundred"? with a tone that seemed to indicate if she answered yes, it was his after all. Are you kidding me? Apparently he cant be bothered to claim anything less than a hundred dollars. Yeah, right. And yes, I did say that out loud, in his presence. I believe the woman's response was something like "if it was a hundred it would be mine."

Now, what kind of money hungry fool is going to say something like "is it a hundred" after he just indicated he had not lost any money. Give me a break. And I thought I was bad. Now picking up pennies doesn't seem to be that big of a deal.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Hair Today...Gone Tomorrow

When I was a young lass in high school there was a sign hanging up in our chemistry class that said the above. I believe it was there to instruct us to use caution when mixing chemicals and performing labs so that we would not set our hair on fire. The saying always stuck with me, mainly because it made absolutely no sense. I know it is probably some spin off of here today, gone tomorrow, but still...

Anyway, the point of this post is not about high school and chem class, believe it or not. It does have to do with hair. My hair actually (surprise!). This recently happened to me.

I am sitting in my office minding my own business, working hard. I am approached by a coworker who says "so, you must not have court today." This is said all matter-of-fact. I look at the clock, see it is almost 10 a.m. and figure he must be talking about the time, although I can have a court appointment at anytime during the day. Puzzled, I respond "why do you say that?". His response is:

"Well look at your hair!"

Look at my hair?? I was wearing a sleek, pulled back low ponytail. What the hell was wrong with my hair? It was not a high cheerleader ponytail. It was not a ponytail on the side of my head circa 1980. It was not a ponytail on the top of my head. It was a professionally pulled back style. Unbelievable. It is even more so if you could see his assistant. She takes "bed head" to a whole other level. She doesn't have that sexy mussed up look, but rather the slept under four pillows with gel on look. And then she spends the entire day hairspraying it in place. She is single handedly destroying our ozone layer. I am convinced of it.

So...I have proceeded to wear my hair in a ponytail for the last week and a half. I am such a rebel - ha!

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

I'm back.....

So I have returned. Where have I been? Everywhere of course, and apparently too tired, busy, or lazy to post. Since I have been away for um, about 7 months, there is a lot to say. Rather than give a detailed accounting, however, I am opting for an edited list edition. So here it is. This is my life for the past 7 months in list form and probably forgetting half of what occurred.

1. Had my going away party. As you can see from the posted picture, there were a lot of green drinks. Yes, it was strange drinking a green margarita on St. Patrick’s Day, but as predicted the place was empty. The party was beyond boring! If not for my good friend J, I may have shot someone. However, since she was there, I left the gun play for those outside the bar. Yes, indeed, someone had a gun on St. Patrick’s Day. Go figure. No shots fired. Drunks arrested. Drunks inside the bar, however, still there to annoy me. Perfect ending to the not so perfect job.

2. No matter where you go in life, people are the same. Same zany work people, just different degrees. And, yes, people still complaint about missing itmes. Here at THE NEW PLACE I have received many emails regarding items I did not know we had (pliers) from places I did not know existed (Zerbie ring drawer). If you know where any of these items are or more importantly can translate “Zerbie ring drawer” for me, please let me know at once. I know I am sitting here missing something big at THE NEW PLACE as I type. BREAKING NEWS: My Secretary just handed me a memo and apparently Zerbie is some kind of paper binding system. Carry on. Crisis resolved.

3. My office, or rather, my phone is haunted. It’s true. I am being haunted by Roger. Apparently Roger used to have the extension that I have. So I now receive his voicemails from the past and sometimes, from Roger himself. Quite freaky. At first the HR person thought I was crazy. Then she thought she was crazy after listening to it. What she failed to realize is that Roger and I are like soul mates intertwined through electrical currents. Come to find out that Roger liked to send messages to himself in the future. Guess what I am getting? Yep, those messages. Who knows when this will end. I do know a lot about Roger now. Hee hee hee….

4. Overheard one day at THE NEW PLACE: a partner speaking to his secretary: "and don't be crying over your hair". Seriously.

5. My doctor wanted me to have a sleep study done and he said that the facility would contact me. It had been a week so I called them. Here is a transcript of the conversation:

Them: ISW

Me: Hi, my doctor wanted me to have a sleep study done at your facility and stated you were going to call me. It has been over a week so I just want to make sure that you received my paperwork.

Them: Okay, one minute

(2 seconds later)

Them: ISW, can I help you? (same girl)

Me: Yes, it is the same person you were just talking to and put on hold.

Them: No, we did not have anybody on hold.

Me: Yes, you just talked to me 2 seconds ago - supposed to have a sleep study done, wanted to make sure you have my paperwork....

Them: I can check that for you. When did you have your sleep study done?

Me: I HAVEN'T HAD A SLEEP STUDY DONE. I am supposed to have one scheduled.

Them: Okay, what is your name?

Me: First. Last.

Them: Okay First....go ahead with your last name.


Them: That does not sound familiar but I will check.

(4 seconds later)

Them: I have your paperwork right here.

And I am supposed to trust their diagnosis?? No. I had the second sleep study done at another place. A little less ludicrous but still slightly crazy. I do have sleep apnea. The treatment? Look it up for yourself. You will be scared. More on that one later.

6. My cousin had a baby, a precious little girl. I was there for the whole event. Yes the WHOLE event. Words cannot describe, nor would you want them to. Ha! It was very beautiful and I was happy and proud to be a part of it. What was not beautiful was waiting around with a bunch of lunatics that I also happen to call family. That made for a LONG wait. One example before I move on – a nun (really) who kept telling the waiting room that it did not take this long when she gave birth (yep, never had), who broke all kinds of speeding laws to get to the hospital, and who loudly declared that my cousin should shoot her dog and kill it because it could possibly attack the baby. Yep, a nun. I actually asked her more than once if she really was a nun. She claimed it was true. Hmmmm…..I am still investigating that one.

7. Seen in court: Man wearing not only a priest collar but also a sheriff badge. Now what are the chances that he is both? I would say slim to none. Also, I don’t think a priest/sheriff would be getting a call from Social Services. He did. I heard the whole think because he is apparently deaf as well. I think he just could not decide which “costume” would better impress the judge, a priest or a sheriff so he went as both. Happy Halloween!!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Love in an Elevator

More like stuck in an elevator! I have been very fortunate, up until now, to never have had the pleasure to be stuck in an elevator. You would know what a feat this is, if you knew the kind of elevators I travel in on a weekly, and sometimes, daily basis. Old, old buildings and courthouses. I had often heard of people getting stuck, but liked to pretend that it wouldn't happen to me. Well, guess what happened today? You got it ~~ stuck in an elevator.

Now, I was the first one in the elevator and naturally moved to the far back corner. Don't ever do this! Trust me. Always stay in front. Since it was a busy day at court, people were literally smashing themselves in the elevator. We move up a couple of floors. Some people get off, but even more people get on. At that very moment I think "we are going to get stuck." Apparently the doors would not shut (a bad sign), so the two men in front FORCED THEM SHUT. Are you kidding me? Now we are stuck. We will not go up, we will not go down. The doors will not open. Nothing happens.

Instantly, it is is like 100 degrees in there. All I can think about is how Q told me that she was stuck in an elevator recently for an hour and a half. I think I will pass out. We are so crowded in that I cannot even reach down to my briefcase to get to my phone. People are asking if anyone has a signal. Some crazy lady starts yelling about how we are stuck (obviously) and that those guys should not have forced the door shut (no kidding) and how we will be lucky if we do not plummet to the ground. Nice. Now some girl is panicking. The elevator drops a bit. Oh boy. Two minutes pass by and we have two people shouting into their cell phones. Crazy lady is calling the judge to say she will be late (it hasn't even been five minutes) and to tell the judge's clerk that we are stuck because there is too much weight and we will surely fall. The guy next to me is yelling at his secretary to call the court because he is stuck and will be late. Meanwhile, there is a man in front who has astutely pressed the call button. Come to find out it is serviced by people in another state. That puts more people in a panic. But the lady calmly tells him to press some buttons. It doesn't do anything, but strangely it calms me. At least we are doing something.

So, the call person cannot hear the guy who is pushing the buttons because crazy lady won't get off her cell phone. Now there are people yelling at her, so the call person REALLY cannot hear. Finally, they tell us someone is on the way. I proceed to announce to the whole elevator that the minute the doors open I am outta here and not setting foot on another elevator in this building. No one seems fazed by my announcement. The doors start to open ~~ people stick their hands out. They get yelled at. Finally, they are able to open the doors about half way, but enough that you can get through. People start to leave. I, however, am blocked by a gaggle of people just standing there. Finally, I say "plan on leaving" and some guy actually asks if I think the elevator will start working now. HELLO??? The doors will only open half way. I say "If you are crazy enough to stay on this elevator, be my guest, but get the hell out of my way."

Finally, I am free! I then have to walk up 10 flights of stairs to my courtroom. Me and some guy. He was ahead of me for about three flights of stairs, but then his briefcase became too much for him. By the time I get to the courtroom, I am out of breath and attempting to tell the bailiff why I am there. I vow to walk all 17 flights of stairs down when I leave.

So, after sitting there for a while, it is time to go. I no longer want to walk 17 flights of stairs. I cautiously get on the elevator. I stay to the front. I notice it is not crowded. I start to feel okay. Then I feel a tap on my shoulder. It is my staircase buddy. He says "this is NOT a good sign, you and I on the same elevator together." We have a bond, him and I. Unfortunately, I do not want to bond again in another elevator incident so I close my eyes and hope for the best.

I did it. I made it down without incident. Then I went back to the office and berated the person whose conference I was covering. Not really. But I did tell him he owes me one.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Can You Get That?

Another real life conversation at The Company today. First let me set the stage:

The phone is ringing in the server room and was ringing for at least 2 minutes non-stop, driving two nearby employees nuts. Conversation as follows:

K: D, do you have the key to that room so I can answer the phone?

D: No, but P does. Is he here?

P: I'm here, but no one has the phone number to that office.

K: Um, obviously someone has that phone number since the phone is RINGING (D starts laughing)

P: Oh yeah. Maybe I'll go see who it is.

D: Thanks, P.



Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Have you seen my....?

Do you have an office fairy where you are? We sure have one at our company. This fairy likes to steal things that no one else wants. Honestly. Big grey carts that are used to deliver paper go missing regularly. What are you going to do with that, other than deliver paper? And where are you going to hide that? People also take other, smaller carts. Those are usually found near other secretary's cubicles with other's people's files in them and then a big angry discussion takes place. Those are fun.

Really, though, how many more emails can one get that starts off with "if you have seen [insert object here] please return it to [insert place or person] as it is needed immediately. Thank you." Some of the writers get creative and try to admonish others like this one:

- Subject: large grey cart missing again

Does anyone know where it is? I need it to pass out the copy and bond paper (which some wings are out of)

FYI: The large cart is to be returned to 13 East when it is not in use. Please be courteous and not use it as a table.

That one is my favorite. My other favorite is the one (again about the large grey cart) that resulted in many emails about seeing big grey cats and a lively discussion as to whether cats could carry paper strapped to their bags better than dogs could???

And finally, the one from Winchester where his briefcase went missing. He declared no questions would be asked if it was returned to his office by 12 pm. The catch - he never left his office. Kind of makes it hard to be an anonymous thief. Although he does take naps......

Monday, March 13, 2006

And the Beat Goes On....and On....and On....

So, people just cannot get over the fact that my going away party is on St. Patrick's Day. OF ALL DAYS!! Have I no shame? Am I some sort of Irish Catholic heathen? Hardly. But why not just combine my big bash, with a big Irish bash at a Mexican restaurant? Seriously...think about it...best of ALL the worlds. For your amusement, here are the top 10 reasons why there will not be full attendance at my party:

1. I have long standing plans for that day (usually from those that are not even remotely Irish).
2. It is a Friday night (yep, I don't know what that means either. Apparently you are supposed to only party on Thursday??)
3. It is all the way downtown (yes, downtown is almost exactly 20 minutes from everyone invited. Even closer for those that work there)
4. Downtown will be crazy that night (see previous post about party being held at a Mexican venue)
5. I will be in the Bahamas (okay, that one is legit)
6. I secretly don't like you (okay, no one said that, but some might be thinking it)
7. I don't really know who you are (not said, but again probably thought)
8. I didn't know you were leaving (probably due to no official announcement by company - those same people will continue to email me months after I am gone and be perpetually puzzled that my address is no longer in Outlook)
9. I have to watch the Final Four game - in person (grrr...EJ!!)

and my personal favorite:

10. I don't want to be on the road with all those drunks out there (that's like the pot calling the kettle...well...drunk).

This party will either rock or be a complete dud. Either way, you get to hear about it. The question is ~~ will it be more fun to read about if it is fun or a dud??

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Let's Get This Party Started...

So a good friend of mine at the company is attempting to organize a going away party for my departure. It is more difficult than one would think. Apparently, she believed that her and my other close coworker would handle all the arrangments themselves. But then he pulls in another random coworker and that is when the craziness begins. Have I ever told you my beef with randomness at this company? These people are the kings and queens of pulling in random people. There is one woman in particular who after exchanging emails with you a few times will suddently start carbon copying another person. The kicker is that person has NOTHING to do with what you are talking about. One time she cc'd someone when I was talking about how much I like cake. To this day, I honestly do not think she even talks to the person she cc'd!! And then that random person feels the need to respond as if they were always a part of the conversation all along! Drives me crazy. So back to the point...

There is all kinds of drama with my party. Where is it going to be? When is it going to be? You see -- my last day is St. Patrick's day and for some reason everyone seems to think that our bar of choice, a Mexican eatery, would be jam packed with people celebrating an Irish holiday? I am putting my money down on the fact that it will not be any busier than a normal Friday night. Next issue - is the email announcing the party "politically correct"? There is a phrase I wish to never hear again. I think I have heard it approximately 5 times since I gave my notice last week. And since when does an email about a going away party have to be "politically correct" and what makes it so? You don't know. We don't know.

So after days of this nonsense, I decided that I was taking matters into my own hands and deciding date, time and place. If necessary I was going to be sending out the email announcing it. J said that I would go down in history at the company for planning my own party, but seriously... what's a person to do? She was pulling out her hair trying to get everyone together to finalize plans.

But all is well that ends well and the party is planned. It is on St. Patrick's Day at the Mexican eatery. No I didn't send out my own email. And I bet you that the bar will be totally ours that night. I bet you a green beer, or whatever green beverage comes my way that night.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Moving on up...

I got me a new job!! Yes indeed. I have been unhappy at my current company for quite some time. Probably more time than I have been happy. After a lot of resume mailing and some interesting interviews, an appealing offer was made and accepted. I am moving on up!!

I am really excited about this new opportunity!! I will be doing the same type of work as at my old company but I am working more for myself at this firm. I am there to help out another associate with her work and help her expand her client base. I also get salary increases and bonuses based on my performance and for any clients or work that I bring in! The possiblities are endless. I get to expand into other areas and learn new things. That is always appealing to me.

I know this is going to be a fantastic move and a great opportunity. I can only hope that I will have the same fodder for my blog that I do now. I am going to make sure the stories from my old company keep coming to me. After all, they have been keeping this blog alive since January!!

Congrats to me!

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Where's Waldo

Here is a real conversation that was overheard in my place of employment the other day:

L and J are talking at L's desk...

L: So where is Vermont? Is Vermont in Connecticut?

J: Um, no, Vermont is Vermont.

L: Huh?

J: It's its own state.

L: Oh, yeah.

Now, it is hard to read a tone of voice, so let me tell you that the last comment of "Oh, yeah" was said in a way that made it quite clear that L had no clue what J was talking about.

No, I do not work at an elementary school. These are professional or semi-professional people in an office setting. And they have an education and degrees! Scary, isn't it? I will be the first to admit that my geography skills have been lacking since I studied the maps, states and capitals in grade school, but I am pretty sure that I would never mistake an entire state for a city! Then again, New York is both a city and a state. I wonder if L knows this.

Perhaps that is where the confusion lies.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Musical Chairs

So I am a contest queen. Okay...maybe more like a contest geek. The point is I LOVE to enter contests. For me it is like window shopping without all of the walking. You get to dream about all of the wonderful things you could win and sometimes you actually win them!

Today was my first win notification by phone. My mom calls me at work with a message that I have won an entry into a musical chairs competition?? After thinking WTF??, I call the number back. Sure enough, I won exactly what I just said -- a chance to win a Dodge Ram by competing in a game of MUSICAL CHAIRS!! Goodness! I cannot even remember the last time I played musical chairs. I immediately start laughing at the idea of me and 149 other people (yes! 150 people playing!) running around in circles to circus music fighting for little chairs and our chance at a big truck. I don't know why it has to be circus music but that is what was certainly going through my head as I pictured the scenario.

Alas, the competition was a mere two days away and a state away. There was no travel money or hotel room and we would have had to be there at 8:30 in the morning. After consulting B and my calendar, I had to decline my "win." Although B relished the idea of my running around and probably falling on my butt all in the name of competition, it was too short of notice. It also did not help that I had to be in court that morning and I am not sure the judge would have accepted "sorry, have to go play musical chairs" as a valid excuse. Then again, sometimes being in court is like being in a bad game of musical chairs.

Hmmm....I can almost hear the circus music start when the courtroom doors open.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

We buried my friend today. Well, actually she went into a mausoleum. Is there any difference though, other than the lack of dirt?

The funeral was so hard. It actually hurts to think about it. But I know I will continue to think about it because the hurt will keep the memory alive. It was hard to watch them close the casket for the final time. It was hard listening to the priest tell the story of Jesus and the stations of the cross and how Jesus stumbled because he was human. Knowing that Amy stumbled to the end just made me cry. We all hugged each other so hard during the giving of the peace. My parents were crying, I am sure thinking it could easily be them in Amy's parents' situation. And C asking me not to leave her.

Amy left us. Then we left her.

This was the hardest day. I didn't want to decide what to wear to my friend's funeral. I never did send flowers. I couldn't even begin to decide what kind to get. How does one pick those things out? I told C as we pulled into the church that I didn't want to see the hearse, I didn't want a flag on our car, I didn't want to go to my friend's funeral. But I did go. I will never be the same. The utter pain and sadness I felt following her casket out of the church is indescribable.

The priest told a story about Amy's father seeing a rainbow over the church that morning even though there had not been any rain. He said it was a sign that Amy made it into heaven. Amy sent me her own sign. It came in a dream and in typical Amy fashion she said "Don't worry -- I just swallowed some of my own pills." So matter of fact. So Amy. Our last conversation. And again, I didn't get the chance to say anything. Just like in November. Somehow that dream made me feel better.

In keeping with the strangeness of the viewing, at the funeral Amy's aunt kicked someone out of the church! "Denise" said she was Amy's friend too and her aunt said "no you aren't, you never were." No idea what that was about, but very dramatic.

After the funeral, we opted to skip the family luncheon and go off on our own. We had an enjoyable and mostly happy lunch at Cracker Barrel. I think it was a beautiful bittersweet ending to a terrible, terrible day. Later that night my cousin called to tell me she is pregnant.

Amy sent me another sign. The pregnancy is my rainbow.

You are Beautiful

Today I went to the funeral home to "view" my friend. What a terrible thought. And I guess I was crazy because I expected her to just be Amy, same ol' Amy, lying in the casket. But it wasn't her in that casket. Not even close. Seeing what she looked like made me hurt that much more because it made me realize how long it had been since I had really seen her. Was I a bad friend? Could I have helped her in some way? Probably not. But seeing her like that gave me such a violent reaction that I had to get up and walk away. After that I could not cry.

This was probably the strangest funeral viewing I have ever attended. I suppose it was the circumstances. Half the room in denial that she could take her own life and looking for other answers for her death. Still others so shocked that inappropriate thoughts and topics come out. Her parents' grief was almost unbearable to watch. Her oldest daughter has been wearing her jacket since she died and will only take it off to shower, still keeping it in the room with her. She says it smells like her mom.

I was told that my brief conversation with Amy in November was a "typical Amy experience" that most people in the room had in the past two years. She would not let anyone in. Her daughter told her grandfather that she just wanted her old mom back. This was before she died.

After a while, I was able to approach the casket, kneel down and share a moment with her. I know that she now has what she could never quite get in this life -- peace.

The memorial card at the funeral home had a poem on it that really held true. It is called "God's Garden Must Be Beautiful."

God looked around the garden, and
found an empty space.
He looked down upon the earth, and
saw your tired face.
He put his arms around you, and lifted
you to rest.
God's garden must be beautiful, for he
only takes the best.

He knew that you were weary, and he
knew you were in pain.
He knew that you would never, be
well on earth again.
He saw the roads were getting rough,
and the hills were hard to climb.
So he closed your weary eyelids, and
whispered peace be thine.

You are already missed, Amy.

Monday, January 09, 2006

When a Different Kind of Light Goes Out...

I was going to write today about my day at the bridal shower and all of the zany events, but something else has overshadowed it. One of my best friends has killed herself. And I cannot believe that I even wrote that sentence. I have known her since I was 3. I don't know how to not know her. I have to go to her funeral and see her there. And I have to look at the two children she left behind and try not to upset them anymore than they already are. I hadn't heard from her in quite some time, almost a year. I tried to track her down and finally got a five minute phone call from her telling me how hard the past year had been for her, but that she was okay and would call me soon. I never heard from her again.

Her mother tells me that she had lost everything in her life this past year including her children and her job. For someone already prone to depression, I guess that would do it. Now her mother has lost her only child and her children their only mother. And me? I lose a best friend.

I don't know how I will make it through the funeral. Actually, I am not sure how I will make it through work tomorrow. I think I will just not talk about it. Because every time I think about anything related to her I cry. B doesn't know what to do with me. He has never seen me cry. But he is sweet and holds me and hugs me. But that actually makes me sadder.

A little light inside me went out today. I will miss you Amy.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

When the Lights Go Out

While heading off to work today, I found a quarter on the ground. As I picked it up the old familiar saying went through my head "find a penny pick it up, all the day you have good luck." Now, if you know me at all then you know that I religiously pick up all pennies found for all the luck I can get. I take it as far as putting it in my shoe because I believe that is what you are supposed to do with lucky pennies (remember penny loafers?). So I am wondering, by finding a quarter do I get 25 times the good luck?

Maybe not. After having to work late, I went to pick up a pizza for dinner. No sooner than I had pulled out of the parking lot, did all of the lights down the entire block go out. I guess it was lucky I already had my pizza. Upon travelling home I found that all the lights were out on that side of the street all the way to our house. We were in complete darkness. At night. With the weather going down to 20 degrees. It wasn't so bad, I suppose. Pizza by candlelight with the cats. But after a long day I ended up falling asleep until the lights came back on two hours later. Not a minute too late. It was getting cold.

Maybe I did have some luck today.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Shoot it for me Winchester...

One of the things I wanted for the new year was a clean office. I worked hard to achieve that goal before I left on Friday. Mission accomplished! Too well, in fact. Apparently when my boss, who was on vacation last week, came in this morning before me -- he saw a dark office with nothing on the desk and thought I had quit! But, alas, I am still there. He is relieved I am sure. My secretary, on the other hand, threw my mail at me and said "I thought you were on vacation" while huffing off. Well 1 out of 2 ain't so bad, right?

Now keeping with the office theme, why do people treat the office bathroom like it is their own personal bathroom and no one else could possible see, or more importantly, hear what is going on? Today's story comes courtesy of a coworker who apparently decided to take a "bathroom break" to play Tetris on his cellphone. I assure you that is not the funny part of this story. While deep in his Tetris game, someone else comes in. My colleague keeps quiet and lays low in the handicap stall so he won't be caught playing in the bathroom, so to speak. He then hears one of our coworkers say "Shoot if for me Winchester" three times. While my colleague is pondering this phrase during its third repeat, he realizes the man has started to use the bathroom. Apparently "Winchester" was this man's "pet" name and his "pet" needed encouragement to get the job done. And if that is not disturbing enough, keep in mind that this man is in his 50s, looks like he is in his 100s, and comes equipped with his own personal morphine drip. Now do you get the complete picture? This is just about up there with the equally disturbing episode in the woman's bathroom a few months back that involved the phrase "I felt that coming" after a grunt. Can you imagine these two in the same bathroom?? Do it, I dare you. It's not pretty.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Fire & Ice

So this morning started off with a fire...not ours (thank god!). I was sitting at the computer sweeping and surfing when I smelled bacon. This made me think I should have started the day at National Coney instead with the usual oatmeal. But I digress. B comes in and asks what is going on downstairs. That is when the horrendous noise sinks in. I look outside and see a police officer. Yep, fire down below. A fire truck, two police cars, one neighbor and a huge fan.

B is convinced that our downstairs neighbor ("The Smoker") has finally fallen asleep with a cigarette dangling from her mouth and actually accuses her of that to her face (more like "smoking" with an accusatory face after she says she has a fire). But, alas, it was just a grease fire. The bacon combined with a million things next to her stove (or so says the observant neighbor). The police are smirking. B is shaking his head. I am wondering why no one has bothered to tell us that there is a fire right below us!!

After this dilemma, I grab my cell phone, to tell the world of course, but get distracted by a text message. My friend is engaged!! She got engaged early this morning but of course I didn't notice the message until later after the "fire". There had been rumors of an engagement and ring shopping and marriage and moving out of state. Apparently two of those things have happened for sure. Congrats Q!


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