Today I Got an Eyeful

That would be literally, of course.  I swear if there is a slim margin of chance something will happen to me, it will.  And hilarity may ensue.

I had a client lunch meeting at one of the fancy schmancy restaurants my Partner likes to frequent. Actually, I guess I like to frequent as well since the entire staff knows my name and my waitress doesn't even bring me a menu anymore.  In any event, I was exactly on time which meant I was late in my Partner's eyes, so I was in a bit of a rush.  The valet guy, who also knows me, was kind enough to open the door for me. As I was walking quickly through and about to maneuver myself out of my coat for the coatcheck, it happens...

A HUGE plop of water from the top of the door falls down in between my glasses and face and RIGHT INTO MY EYE.  I was so stunned and discombobulated, I almost fell over.  Right at that moment a maitre d' type guy opens the next door for me.  Half blind, I stumbled in and wondered how I was going to get all of that water out of my eye, off my face and off my glasses without admitting what happened and in the mere 30 seconds I had to get to the table with the clients.

I started trying to nonchalantly wipe at my eye.  Seriously I must have looked like I was crying from only one eye.  As that did not appear to be working, I decide to remove my glasses and take a big swipe. At that exact moment, maitre d' guy decides to act like the coat check and take my coat for me.  Now I am trying to maneuver myself out of my coat while holding my glasses and wiping my eye.  Perhaps I never told you how blind I am without the glasses? Oh, but I guess I did.  While this is happening maitre d' guy says "The rest of your party is already here" (Crap! I AM late) followed by "can you see them."  Ha! Is this a joke? NO I CANNOT SEE THEM! I HAVE BEEN BLINDED BY YOUR LEAKY DOOR AND AM HOLDING MY SUPER THICK GLASSES IN MY HAND.

Instead I say "oh of course I see them."  And just turn right.  Luckily Partner picked the table that he normally does and I was headed in the right direction. However, since they had not seen me just yet, I dodged into the women's room to get rid of the water.  Of course, by that time it had dried. And there were two women in the extremely small bathroom. I have never seen one person in the bathroom, let alone two women who are now eyeing me strangely as I look in my eye, wipe my brow and wipe my glasses.  I could still feel that big plop in my eye.

Finally made my way to the table and all was well...until cappuccino time.  The waitress always brings chocolate chip biscotti cookies with my cappuccino, enough for the table. Everyone wins with my cappuccino order.  As I was eating the cappuccino, Partner said something so ridiculous that I went to laugh, but instead lodged the piece of biscotti sideways in my throat. I am not kidding. It hurt like hell!  Trying to maintain my cool while I had visions of dying in the restaurant, I swiftly swallow a bunch of water, finally feeling the cookie go down. I then declare to Partner "You nearly killed me!"  And all was well...

Until back at the office when my throat became so scratchy, it made eating cake painful and that is just A SHAME.  Apparently I really scratched up my throat with that biscotti. Who knows what I did to my eye with that nasty melty water plop.

At least I was able to belt out Happy Birthday, in true dramatic fashion, in between the part time theater person and the accounting person, with arms spread wide.

And not knock anything over.

She Who Laughs Last Gets the Cookie

At a reader request, I have diagrammed my parking story where a lady parked behind me after I drove through the parking space and then inexplicably wanted me to move after I apologized.  Not sure the diagram really helps though. I believe it is puzzling because it just does not make any sense. We were both parked - no reason for anyone to move. As you can see she would have been only slightly closer to the store if she had been where I was.  

Posting this, however, reminded me of another story of cutting in front of people but this time I was the cutee* or the-one-who-was-cut-in-front-of.  A few weeks ago I decided to go to Panera to get some yummy soup for lunch.  I was on the phone with my mom while I waited to be called next in line.  (No worries, I do not talk on the phone or hold it to my ear while I am ordering and paying at a restaurant, or in a bank or in a store -  I have some manners). The way this place is set up, there are five different cashiers spread out over about 12 feet.  So, people form one general line and wait for the next available cashier to wave them over.  At the time, I was the only "people" waiting. Suddenly, I see two men walk in, walk AROUND me and proceed to stand in front of me as I if I were just standing there like some lost little child.  I immediately said to my mom "I have to go, it's an emergency" and hung up my phone.  I needed total concentration.

I put on my real angry face and huffed.  No one listened. The guys got called to a register and, as luck would have it, I was called to one two down from them. There was another customer between us.  I ordered my soup and drink and also a chocolate chip cookies (god, I love those things).  The cookies are usually placed out in front of the cash registers and can disappear quickly.  I had not yet taken my cookie, and was just about to put my change away, when I hear one of the two rude guys say "and a chocolate chip cookie."  That was it - game on!!

As soon as I heard those words, I quickly scanned the cookies, saw ONE chocolate chip cookie and swooped right in. I reached ACROSS the person in between us and snatched the last chocolate chip cookie while saying Ha! inside my head.  As I took the cookie, I heard the cashier say "it appears we have no more chocolate chip cookies."  Double Ha!  Who's going to cut in front of me now? Huh? The person WITHOUT a chocolate chip cookie.  That's who.

Guess who didn't have the last laugh? That would be me. I sauntered over to the pop machine, all proud of myself and my not so secret revenge**, and as I put my cup down on the counter and reached for a straw, rude man came and filled his glass, right under my nose.  Well played, rude man, well played.  He probably deserved a cookie for that slick maneuver. Too bad, I had the last one.

Maybe I did have the last laugh after all.  

UPDATE:  This post made me want Panera so I went today. The cashier must have recognized me because after I said I wanted a cookie and then noticed there were no chocolate chip ones, I started to say "do you have any..." and she replied "yes" and went to retrive a chocolate chip cookie without me specifying what kind.  So, she either thinks I am (a) a crazy lunatic that will do evil unspeakable things for a chocolate chip cookie or (b) I am a cool avenger righting the wrongs in the world one cookie at a time.  I'd like to think (a) but the truth is she probably thinks (b) and just wanted me the heck out of the place!

*this is obviously not a word. Spell check keeps wanting to make it cutey, but that would take away from the viciousness of this crime.

**I am not normally so vengeful. At least, I don't normally act on my vengence.  Don't judge.  It was a cookie you know. A very, very good cookie.