Does the Shrieking Sound Alarm You? It Should.

It was a normal day at the office. I was busy impressing a client with some antiquated legal jargon when I heard the distinct sound of the office fire alarm.  I very calmly said "Client, I will have to call you back. The office is on fire."  

I then picked up my cell phone, my car keys and my purse and walked right out of the office.  You know who did not follow me? Oh, everyone else.  They all insisted it was a false alarm.  No one called to say it was a false alarm.  No one turned off the shrieking sounds.  So I headed out the door.  When questioned at the front door if I was "really" going, I replied:

"I am not burning in this hell hole, bitches. Peace out!"

I am so professional.  

The real question is, did they forget the great fire of March 2011. I sure didn't. One electrical fire, one freezing my ass off in the parking lot while waiting to see if we were ever getting back in was enough.  So what did I do?

Went outside in the rain with an umbrella freezing my ass off while waiting to see if we would ever get back in.

Despite the five police cars and one huge fire engine, it turns out it was a false alarm. Someone allegedly sprayed something at the sensor. What? I don't even know where the sensors are and aren't they only supposed to sense SMOKE? So confusing. I suspect it was the place that employs the hackysackers.  It just has to be.

In other news, an attorney stayed behind because she wanted to finish a brief.  I told her I would put that on her gravestone.  "Will burn for work."

Then I called my client back.


 

Girls Just Want to Put Their Foot in Their Mouths

Is anyone watching the show Girls on HBO? No? You should. Like right now. Stop reading this blog, go on demand it and you will be caught up in no time.  Seriously. They are only half hour episodes (in HBO land, that is roughly 22-27 minutes).  Once you are done, report back here immediately and go on to the next paragraph.

Okay. Caught up? So Girls is an awesome show mostly because it is awkward. At first B made fun of me for watching it. Then he declared the main character "awful." Now he deserts me in mid conversation to "go watch an episode of Girls." Yes, I can hear him laughing all the way upstairs.

You still haven't watched it, have you? Shame.

Watch this clip:

and this one:

Well, I had my own Girls moment the other day at work.  I will let you be the judge:

Girls episode:*

Guy: Open your eyes...surprise! 

Girl: Gasp

Guy: Do you like it? (pointing to lack of hair on his head)

Girl: No, I don't f'g like it! It looks like $hit!

Guy: I did it for Cathy.

Girl: Who the f$ck is Cathy?

Guy: The woman at work who has cancer.

Girl: Oh, great! Now I look like the a$$hole.

Dani's life:

Dani: G, what happened to your hair?

G:  I shaved it on Friday.

Dani: Oh, good. I thought you were going to tell me you had cancer cause you look like you have cancer.

G:  Actually, my friends and I all shaved our heads for our friend who has cancer.

Guess who looks like the a$$hole now?

 



*Sadly no clip for this awesome scene can be found.


**B also says the main character, Hannah, reminds me of him.  To which I responded: 
Me: Gasp!
Me: Wha...?
Me: How?
Me: Wha...?
and he responded:
B: See above story.

Poka to You, Poka to My Sanity

The building where I work houses a variety of different ethnic groups and we constantly hear a billion languages being spoken at once. This is particularly true on the floor my office is on as there is another business there that is quite large and employs a good number of people.  We will hear them in the hall on their quick 5 minute breaks speaking Chinese, Spanish, Russian and some other ones I probably could not identify.

So when I was in the bathroom yesterday, I was not surprised to hear two women speaking to each other in Russian.  However, I did not expect a voice from the stall next to me to demand from her stall that they entertain her by providing Russian words:

Russian ladies: {speaking Russian I do not understand}
Stall lady:  Say "Goodbye" in Russian!
Russian ladies: {more Russian}
Stall lady: SAY "GOODBYE" IN RUSSIAN
Russian ladies: Poka
Stall lady:  GOODBYE, say it in Russian
Russian ladies: POKA
Stall lady: What?
Russian Ladies: POKA
Stall lady: Huh?
Russian Ladies: It is easy, poka, P-O-K-A
Stall lady; Poka?
Russian Ladies: Yes
Stall lady: Well then POKA
Russian Ladies: Poka to you

Poka indeed.  I am pretty sure their next word the said as going out the door was Russian for fool.*

*That's "durak" people. Spelled phonetically of course.
**The More you Know...

Crime Watch Wednesday - Where There's Fire, There's Toast?

source

This week's Crime Watch Wednesday proves the old adage "where there is smoke, there is fire" is totally wrong.

Police reported to the scene of a house fire to discover it was just a person that burned some toast.

I love the simplicity of this one.  The reader is left to wonder who called the police? Why did they call the police and not the fire department? Was there actually smoke or just the smell of something burning?  How did the police determine it was just toast? Did it involve breaking down doors?  I would like to believe it happened like this:

Dispatch: Officers get to 123 Lane Avenue STAT - the place is ON FIRE!

Police: We are not the fire department.

Dispatch: Don't argue with me! It is an EMERGENCY!!

Police: What are we supposed to do when we get there? Shoot the fire?

Dispatch: EMERGENCY!!!

{upon arriving at the scene}

Officer 1: I don't see a fire.

Officer 2: It smells like something is burning.

Officer 1: It smells like breakfast.

Officer 1: Mmmmm...breakfast.

{upon arriving at the front door}

Owner: Can I help you?

Officer 2: Something is burning.

Officer 1: We were told there is a fire.

Officer 2: It smells like something is burning.

Owner: Um, I burnt some toast?

Officer 1: Mmmmm....breakfast

I should totally be a movie writer. Or a sitcom writer.

True story - yesterday I got to the office and saw a huge amount of people milling around the front of the building and around the elevators. Double the amount of people you find standing there when the elevator is broke.  Somehow this only seemed mildly odd to me.  I heard rumblings of "false alarm." Then I ran into our receptionist who informed me the building had just been evacuated minutes before.  Why you ask? 

Someone burnt toast on the fifth floor.

It's an epidemic, people.  Lock up your bread!

Of Birthdays, Gas Cans and Limited Internet

I have to hurry up and write this post because B has informed me that he wants to get on the internet "soon" and our router is broke so only one of us can be on at a time. What kind of shit is that? And it was my birthday yesterday. So technically this is my birthday week and I should have ALL of the internet time I want, but apparently not.

So I know you are thinking I probably had a magical birthday filled with laughter, presents, sleeping in and cupcakes. Alas, that is not true. Although I often fancy that is the life I lead, in reality my birthday was like any other day save a few things.

First, unlike my friend who works for the county and gets her birthday off as a HOLIDAY, I had to go to the office. The plan was to leave early. I also went in late because, face it, if you can't sleep in a little on your birthday, when can you? (P.S. the answer is all of the other days this week and last. I seem to have a problem).

My one colleague and I had a meeting at noon so off we went. Before we left, however, we planned on going to lunch after and even planned the place and exactly what we were having. We were already starving. As the meeting finished, I looked down and saw that the office called. Then the office called my colleague. Another colleague was stranded on the freeway because her car ran out of gas.

I repeat - her car ran out of gas. On.The.Freeway.

She is in her late 40s. Too old to run out of gas. Too old to run out of gas four times in the last six months. So, yes, we had to go rescue her. No, she was not nearby. Yes, she called us 18 times during the drive to keep us updated. No, I was not amused. By then we were RAVISHED. When my colleague asked her how this happened she thanked us for coming but then told us not to ask anything else because she was cranky.

I WAS CRANKY. And starving. Sigh.

I ate lunch at 2:00. I left the office at 4:00. Least productive day ever and it wasn't even that fun. On a side note, I texted B when we were on the side of the freeway and my two cohorts were messing around with the gas can.* He responded with "at least you know your way around a gas can. Smart ass.

Two weeks ago, I decided to go fill up my tank. I took Jersey for the ride because B was mowing the lawn and she was playing chicken with the mower. B insisted that I fill up the gas can for the mower. He quickly showed me how to open it and sent me on my way.

Yeah, I couldn't open it when I got there. I drove back home, told him, listened to him sigh, then he opened it and MADE ME GO BACK. Jersey and I were not amused. Later he told me that he would never come rescue me if I were out of gas. I just laughed and told him I would find some man to do it. He responded with:

"Oh, like today."

I didn't even try, mister. I didn't even try.

*No, I did not get out of the car to assist with the gas can. I told them it was too dangerous as my side was on the traffic side. Later my one colleague told everyone that I said "I'm not getting out to do shit." I didn't say that, but it sure does sound like me.

One Shoe, Two Shoe, Black Shoe, Brown Shoe

Mondays just aren't my thing. Are they really anyone's though? Does anyone wake up and think "Wow! Monday! Thank God!" Doubtful.

You know what makes a Monday worse? When you realize that you don't know how to dress yourself despite doing it for many decades. Because people that know how to dress themselves do not wear two different shoes TO WORK.

I wore two different shoes to the office.

And maybe I should have kept this information to myself, but it just so happened that I realized it while surrounding by a group of people and my gasp was so audible, I had to explain. I was too shocked to make something up. In that moment, with that gasp, I realized what had bothered me upon getting dressed this morning. My shoes didn't feel right. No surprise, right? They were after all two different shoes.

In my defense, they were the same kind of shoe boot. However, one was black and one was brown. Also? One fit nice and one fit tight. That was my clue. I chose to ignore it.

After everyone had a good laugh, someone commiserated "It happens. I get dressed in the dark all the time." Yes, me too.

Except the lights were on.

Just like when I wear my underwear inside out at least once a week.

But I don't think I will be showing anyone that error anytime soon.

I Got Someone Fired on Christmas Even Though I Don't Have that Power, But She Didn't Know that a/k/a BagelGate 2009

Fridays in our office are Casual Day. If you are not meeting with clients or in court, you can wear jeans. Unfortunately, I do not get to partake a lot because I am usually in court. Hence, Fridays seem to be Dani Wears a Suit Day. Not as exciting or as comfortable.

Fridays are also Bagel Day. One person is the designated bagel person. Usually I do not have my first pick in bagels and end up taking whatever is left over, or nothing at all. That would be because I am in court. However, when I am there for jeans and bagels? I call that heaven.

So last week we knew there would be a skeleton crew on Christmas Eve. For some reason we were going to be open all day (that later changed to 3 pm). I was only going in until lunch and because of lunch, which I had scheduled for just a few miles from the office. When the email came asking for a head count for people that would be in the office for Bagel Day, I replied right away.

Christmas Eve became my heaven.

I got there bright and early at 8 am (well for Christmas Eve that is bright and early) and began telling everyone how excited I was for my bagel. S was excited too. Then at 9 I began to complain that I was starving. After all, I didn't eat breakfast in anticipation of this bagel. Then at 9:10 I heard there would be no bagel because the bagel person claimed no one responded to the email.

Christmas was RUINED!

I went to my sent box and the email was there. S claimed she sent one too. We grabbed our coats and on the way out to the bagel place, we made a stop at the Bagel Person's office:

Me: YOU ARE FIRED

BP: I am sorry

Me: YOU ARE FIRED

BP: Only 5 people responded, so....

Me: Wait...huh? WHAT?

BP: There wasn't a big response...

BP: Do you want some of my candy bar?

Me: I WANT A BAGEL

Me: I AM GOING TO GET A BAGEL

And so I got a bagel. A much better bagel actually than I would have had if the person had come through. Of course, the better bagel required me to put on my coat, go outside, DRIVE to the bagel place and waste what little time I had planned on spending in the office. So, there was that.

Also? 5 people? That IS A RESPONSE! If you ask "how many people will be in so I know how many people to buy bagels for" and 5 people respond, BUY FIVE BAGELS. At the very least, email those 5 people and tell them they are on their own. That way maybe the will not rely on your bagel. Maybe they will eat breakfast.

Lesson here? The bagel you buy could save your job.

Another lesson? Buy your own damn bagel!

*No actual people were fired in BagelGate 2009. I do not have that kind of power.**

**Even if I had that power, I probably wouldn't fire someone over BagelGate 2009.***

***But I might really want to.

Damaged, Dodged, Deposed, Discussed a/k/a Things I Did Last Week

Last week flew by and I barely posted. This caused me to stop and think about what I did all week:

1. Totally wiped out my computer at work with some spyware.
2. Became the office joke for wiping out said computer ("maybe you shouldn't surf for PORN")
3. Tried to explain I was really just using an online translator ("yeah for the PORN")*
4. Tried to figure out how to work for the next three days without a computer (how does one answer emails, bill time, generate documents, and review what's been done previously on a file without a computer? It was like living in the dark ages - pen, paper and my brain only. I barely survived!)
5. Tried to avoid the sickness plague that took over our office. Seriously, they were dropping like flies. One day we had four people leave early while another 7 were already out. By Friday we were down to just a few. I did not stick around.
6. Spent four and a half hours in deps on Tuesday. No break. No lunch. VERY crabby!
7. Spent four hours in court on Friday. No break. No lunch. VERY VERY crabby!!
8. Took a deposition of a surgeon and watched my opponent attempt to rip him to shreds, only to ask him after the dep if he would treat him for his carpal tunnel.
9. Discussed Tiger Woods. A lot.
10. Came home to numerous boxes and packages on our porch. I love online Christmas shopping.
11. Thought about plans for exciting new things for the blog next year.**
12. Cleaned, straightened, grocery shopped, meal planned, and strategized for our housewarming/holiday party.***
13. Watched B put finishing touches on different parts of the house for said party.
14. Finally, got to sleep in on Saturday.

I expect this week to be less hectic with more posting. Let's see if it shakes out that way.

*Obviously, the most important thing in watching porn is being able to understand what is being said. Actions be damned - the dialogue is all that matters!

**Are you intrigued? Excited? Curious? Are you even paying attention???

***Party post to come soon although I ended up not taking a lot of pictures. Boo on me!

Things I Learned Today That May Have Changed My Life

~I don't trust people that whistle.

~Being pushed in a big office chair throughout the office by a secretary while yelling "WHEEE" is very professional.

*that is not me or my secretary

~I need a tall office chair with cushioning because I throw my head back a lot for no apparent reason. Or perhaps I can make do like this:

*this is also not me, but a good illustration

~I need a taller office chair because I am short as hell.

~You shouldn't try to take a coworker's personal office chair just because they are on maternity leave. Someone will catch you.

~You can make friends with random attorneys that you only see once in a while in court. Of course your friendly conversations will consist of "didn't I see you in court LAST time" and "we must remember each other because we are women."

~It is hard to impress former colleagues with your brilliant legal arguments when the judge only allows you to state your name.

~Women call strip clubs "titty bars."

~They will do this in a deposition.

~A court reporter when shocked will type it as "tit-e"

~Attorneys will admit to knowing the exact location of said bars.

~This will also occur in a deposition.

~Some people carry their valuables in their bras.

~Those people will whip it out to show you. (The valuables, that is, not THE valuables, so to speak).

~This will also occur in a deposition.

~I need to take more depositions.

Got Junk? I've Got a Lawn

Ever see those trucks driving around that say Got Junk? on them?* If so, could you please send them to my neighbor's house? Really, it is not enough that they have long grass. Friday I came home to this:

Can you see that? It is a pile of junk in the middle of the backyard. B came home and said "did you see the neighbors are cleaning out their garage." No. I never saw a neighbor. In fact, B admitted HE never saw a neighbor but just assumed that was what they were doing. I assumed they found a new storage area. B also informed me that he had sprayed their weeds. Apparently there were weeds behind their garage that were approaching 7 feet tall. Like sunflowers but not at all flowered or pretty.

As of the time we went to bed that night - still no neighbors spotted. Never saw them once. B then declared we should make a date/time stamp so we know how long the junk stays out there. That was last Friday when I arrived home at 5:30 p.m. Also, if you look at the photo carefully you may be able to see the profile of the guy inside his house watching TV while the junk is on the lawn.

The next morning B announces that the neighbors are tearing down their garage. Sure enough, I go to the window and see one guy with a crowbar prying one piece of wood from the garage. I declare "at this rate it will take all year!" and go about my day. A few hours later, it looked like this:

B and I then went to a football game and came back home to find it completely down but not taken away as they had run out of room in the dumpster. Also? They did not clean the entire garage out before demolishing it. I could clearly see (a) a gas can, (b) some fencing, and (c) other bits and pieces you would find in the garage. I guess they didn't want those things. Only the special things were kept in storage, i.e. the lawn.

I also saw the 7 foot dying weeds. Just as tall but dead looking. I wonder if they will demolish those. Come Monday, the lawn looked like this:

It is now Thursday and the lawn looks like this:

Yes, that is the same picture. Why waste energy taking a new one? Also that overturned chair you can see, the white plastic one? It has been overturned on the lawn long before the junk. About two weeks now. In that time period long grassed man has been outside reading or writing, but not turning the chair upright.

Any bets on how long the junk stays on the grass? B thinks they will surely put it in their new garage. I think B is highly optimistic if he thinks there will even be a new garage.

The lawn seems to be working out just fine for their storage needs.

*This might be a local thing, but it is a junk hauling company and that is their tagline. Memorable, obviously.

Office Shorts

It's been a while since I posted about the office. Here are some things I have been collecting:

Partner: The milk of human kindness flows through my veins.

Reply by passerby: Yeah, sour milk.

*

After receiving a warning at work not to download the Blackberry operating system update because there were bugs, the following conversation took place:

Girl: Did you get the email about Blackberrys?

Me: Yep. I didn't download it.

Girl: Should I tell other girl?

Me: No. She has an iPhone.

Girl: What's the difference?

Me: It isn't a Blackberry...

*

So you are calling someone in my office and you get my voicemail instead. I say I am out of my office. I do not say I work for the person you are trying to call yet you feel it is appropriate to just continue on with your message anyway..."Yeah, this message is for so and so, this is stupid and here is my phone number. Oh and tell him it is about this...no wait, it is about this. Yeah, tell him it is about that."

Yeah, I'll get right on that.

*

Girl 1: Can you smell that stinky cigarette smoke on her? (Referencing girl that just walked in)

Girl 2: No but I have allergies.

Girl 1: I think it is because you smoke.

Girl 2: What I can't smell stinky things because I smoke?

Girl 1: Exactly.

*

Secretary to person on phone: "Oh what a weave and the web is tangled..."

*

Partner: Did your clock go haywire?

Secretary: I am not late, am I?

Boss: No, you are early

*

What a boss likes to hear:

Boss: What is on your schedule today?

Employee: You, you and you.

Just Another Day in the Office

Scene: Me, J and D in the office kitchen. J sets down a small tupperware bowl on the counter near me. It contains oatmeal, a hard boiled egg and raisins:

Me: Is that your breakfast?

J: Part of it. I had a smoothie earlier.

D: Is that oatmeal, a hard boiled egg and raisins?

Me: No! That is a nest and a bird is going to pop out of there anytime.

D: When is this supposed to happen?

J: Early spring

Me: Listen, we are going to be filming it and broadcasting it on Office TV so we can all watch and eagerly anticipate this happening. Like nature TV.

D: We aren’t relying on the groundhog for this are we?

Me: No! We can NEVER rely on the groundhog, that bastard!

C having walked right into this conversation: I learn more in this kitchen then I do anywhere else {and then leaves}

J: I hope this is a hard boiled egg, I just grabbed one out of the fridge. Isn’t there a spinning test for that?

Me: I don’t know about a spinning test but there should be some kind of test. Maybe putting it in a glass of water?

J: And if it floats it is hard boiled…or is it if it sinks?

Me: Actually I think the water test is to tell if uncooked eggs are still good so I am not sure that will help you out.

J: Here goes {squeezing egg which causes pieces of shell to fly everywhere}

Me: {making total girly gasping squealing sound}

P having walked into the end of this conversation shouts: Wait! Spin it!

Too late.

There was a spinning test after all. Who knew? If your egg spins, it is hard boiled. If it wobbles, it is not.

If it is sitting in a bed of oatmeal, it will look like a nest.

Who's Your Santa?

This year at work, an ambitious assistant decided to organize a Secret Santa. The joke was clearly on her. I doubt she will ever organize anything office related again. In fact, I am surprised if she is still talking to some people. Nothing in offices ever goes smoothly and Secret Santa was no exception. In no particular order:

1. It was SECRET Santa. However, some people immediately told other people who they had. When the group only totals 14 participants, it becomes rather easy to guess your Santa.

2. The dollar limit was low during the weekdays ($2 - $3 per day) to keep costs down and then a $15 gift at the reveal lunch (you know, because it was a secret and all). Seems like a perfectly well thought out approach to please all budgets. Didn't quite work out that way. Some people went over, some people went under. Not even sure how that is possible, but it is.

3. This resulted in a wide array of presents. Wide arrays do not make everyone happy. In fact they make some people downright bitter.

4. Bitter people are not happy.

5. Secret Santa is supposed to be full of happiness, or at least fun.

6. A second Secret Santa made an appearance to try to bring happiness to those without.

7. This created drama about whether the original Secret Santas would be offended.

8. So a third Secret Santa (I kid you not) made an appearance to level the playing field.

9. This all happened in the span of four days.

10. There was to be a big game to guess your Santa at the luncheon.

11. Almost everyone cheated.

12. Yet, only one person got 100% of the Santas right. She got $25. We each had to put in $2. That was the least drama filled part of this whole event.

13. There was a fight about our lunch food.

14. There was a fight about the plates we were going to use.

15. There was a fight about almost every damn part of this whole game from start to finish including fighting over who was going to draw names first.

16. Only women played.

17. Enough said.*

In the midst of all of these shenanigans, as a participant I received gifts. This was the highlight of my week, in addition to giving my recipient gifts. There was one particular gift I was most excited to get and I am sure you will all be able to guess which one. But let's hit them all one by one, shall we? 

On the first day of Office Christmas Secret Santa, my Santa gave to me:

A pair of reindeer socks and BBW lotion in peppermint! 

Okay, there is no lotion in that picture. I left it at the office by mistake. So just picture a small bottle of yummy smelling peppermint with a hint of vanilla lotion that I use on my hands every day in that picture. Got it? Okay, moving on...

On the second day of Office Christmas Secret Santa, my Santa gave to me:

A reed diffuser in Vanilla Spice!

I love these and currently have one on my desk. Everyone comments on how nice my office smells. This one rocks because the container, which is usually a plain bottle, reminds me of a beautiful ornament. Take a look:

Pretty, right? Okay, moving on:


On the third day of Office Christmas Secret Santa, my Santa gave to me:



A puzzle! A very hard looking puzzle to be exact.



Look at the full picture on the back!

Scary hard, no? I might have to do this over the holidays if I can convince the cats not to run off with any pieces.

On the fourth day of Office Christmas Secret Santa, my Santa gave to me:


A Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law bobblehead!

I think I am in love! Dwight has already accepted him as has the two baseball players. The Tropic Thunder guys don't know about him yet, however, because they are still in their box facing the wall. One day I will display them. They are starting to feel neglected. 

Finally, at the reveal lunch, I received my final gift:

Four cocoa mugs, with cocoa inside and a Starbucks gift card (not pictured). Perfect. Also, my Secret Santa bought every participant an ornament with a lotto ticket attached. Then all of us got copies of everyone's ticket and we had the understanding that anything over $10,000 would be split amongst us all.

Alas, I did not wake up a millionaire on Saturday so I had to go to the office today. However, the day was cut short by a big power outage which was kind of like winning the lottery.

At least for a few hours.

*I love women, but too many are not a good thing. Testosterone is our friend. The same with men. Had it only been men participating, there would have been a lot of competition and, quite possibly, a couple of punches. Who needs that? It's all about balance people.

**Did you figure out which is my favorite?

Can You Hear Me Now?

Remember that partner that could not believe I did not know how to make a conference call? Well, he may be a whiz at conference calls, but give him bluetooth technology and a car and hilarity ensues. His car has the function to answer his cell phone through the radio speakers using bluetooth technology. Receiving and answering phone calls doesn't seem to be a problem. Making them? That goes a little something like this...

{Words in all caps are to be read as if they are being yelled very slowly}

Partner: Let's call other partner and see if he wants to meet us for lunch.

Me: Sounds good.

He hits the button and we hear:

Voice: Sync in. I am listening. State your command.

Partner: Phone.

Voice: Phone on. What would you like to do?

Partner: DIAL

Partner: Wait. No. That's the wrong word.

Partner: Stop. Sorry. No.

Voice: I do not understand your command.

Partner: Shit. How do I turn this thing off?

He presses many buttons while cursing the whole time and the thing turns off. I am giggling like a mad woman because he is getting so angry.

Partner: This happens to me and my wife all of the time. You have to say "call". I always forget.

He hits the on button again.

Voice: Sync in. I am listening. State your command.

Partner: Phone.

Voice: Phone on. What would you like to do?

Partner: CALL

Voice: Please state the number you are calling.

Partner: 555-1212

Voice: Dialing 55-1212

Me: That is not even a real number.

Partner: Shit. How do I stop it from dialing? How do I turn it off.

After more buttons are pressed, it is off and he is cursing and telling me how he "hates this thing" and he can "never get it right." Meanwhile, I am thinking we should just pick up the actual phone and make the call, but what do I know. So, one more time for kicks I suppose:

Voice: Sync in. I am listening. What is your command?

Me: [whispering] phone

Partner: PHONE

Voice: Phone on. What would you like to do?

Me: [whispering] call

Partner to me: SHHHHH

Me: I was only trying to help [looks out the window to try to suppress laughter]

Partner: CALL

Voice: Please state the number you are calling.

Partner: FRONT OFFICE

See, now he is going to break out speed dial words. Not that it is going to help, when the car was calling 55-1212 it named it front office. Actually "office front." I try to point this out:

Me: It is office front.

Partner: Shhhh

Voice: I do not recognize front office.

Me: [totally suppressing laughter, although at this point it may be due to insanity]

Partner: FRONT OFFICE

Voice: I do not recognize front office.

Partner: OFFICE

Finally, without any good reason, as just as we had given up and the only thing keeping us connected to the phone was the fact that Partner could not get it to turn off, the correct number is dialed, the receptionist answers and the other Partner is meeting us for lunch. This lunch it turns out. Meanwhile I spent the whole ride to the restaurant giggling like crazy or thinking about giggling. Him yelling very slowly at the car while saying all the wrong words was just too much for me. The whole day was full of hilarity.

And I haven't even told you about the ride downtown that morning.

The Lunch That Was Much Ado About Nothing

The other day three partners and I went out to lunch to celebrate something or be thanked or something. I forget. It has been a long week.  As usual, we went to a hobsnobbing place, although not to hobsnob, but to be congratulated or thanked.  Quite often well known people and local semi-celebrities will frequent the place.  This day was no exception.  As we are sitting there, a partner says "Oh look, Doug Smith just came in."  Doug Smith is a newscaster on a local TV station.  I CANNOT STAND Doug Smith so I snort in disdain or something along those lines and say "don't even get me started about Doug Smith."  The partner that lived through my Amityville tirade says "uh oh," the first partner remains silent as he is used to my tirades, but the third partner is new to our scene and he makes the mistake of asking "Why? What's wrong with Doug Smith?"  Game on.  I unleash with this tirade:

"Well how about for starters that he READS from the teleprompter. I know that they all do it, but he is so OBVIOUS about it. It is not like he is new. We have had to put up with this for years and years.  Why is he always looking down right?  Why Doug Smith? WHY?  This leads me to constantly scream at the TV screen I AM UP HERE - YOO HOO - HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SCREEN.  It totally distracts from my news viewing and I do not understand why he just cannot do it correctly. I just do NOT understand."  

Shaking my head in disgust, I was done.

After a brief discussion about the proper placement of TV teleprompters, we go back to our meal. Some time later, the first partner says "It is getting late, does Doug Smith know he has to be on the air at 5?"  I respond "I am quite sure that he knows when he has to be there as he is there every day.  And, really, what's the rush? It is not like he has to learn his lines or anything."   A few minutes later, not entirely convinced, partner renewed his desire to go over there and tell Doug Smith to get to work.  That just riled me up some more, "No! What you need to do is go over there and tell him that perhaps he should get there EARLY so he has time to READ HIS STORIES so he is not READING the teleprompter."

Nobody said anything. We left, walking by Doug Smith.  As we waited for our car, I told first partner "Wait until I tell B who I saw, he will immediately know my tirade at just the mention of his name."  Later that night when I got home, I said to B "guess who I saw at lunch today - Doug Smith."  B's response? "La...dee...da..."  Um, not quite the response I was expecting so I pressed on:

Me: Well, you know how I feel about Doug Smith, right?

B:  That he reads?

Me: Yes!! [thinking B and I are SO on the same page and love is bliss]

B: Don't you mean Sean Gold? Isn't he the one that reads?

Me: Huh.

B: Remember Doug Smith is the one that sometimes they put all that pancake makeup on and he looks dead on our HDTV, like literally should be in a coffin.

Me: Huh.

B: Yep, that's our only problem with Doug Smith.

Me: ...[thinking I need to take B with me everywhere I go so I can keep my tirades straight]

Me: Well, GREAT...now my outburst today was ALL FOR NOTHING!!

Me: Huh. Oh well.

Do you think I will tell my partners the truth? Probably not. In fact, in all likelihood what will happen is we will all be out again, Doug Smith will arrive and one of them will ask "isn't that the guy who you cannot stand because he reads the teleprompter?" And I will nonchalantly say, "nah - wrong guy" with no further explanation.  

That's how I right my wrongs - nonchalant denial.

*Speaking of Amityville, there is a spider living in my house and stalking me as I type.  I did not kill him even though he charged at me in the bathroom as I figured he was more scared of me than him... blah, blah, blah.  However, when I mentioned our bathroom guest to B, he notified me that the spider had moved to living in our bedroom. That is NOT acceptable.  I do not need to swallow a spider while sleeping. It happens folks.  And guess what?  Since B said that, I cannot find the spider.  Either he and B are in cahoots to play a cruel joke on me or one of us is full of extra protein.

Where's Dani?

So it was brought to my attention that I am a horrible blogger and have been neglecting my posting duties. Thanks bro!  But he is right and it is true.  In fact, I thought I last posted on Thursday, but it looks like it was really Wednesday. That is a long time.  Too long.  I would like to say it was because I was off on some wild and crazy adventure but that would be a fib.  The truth is...

I have been doing nothing. Literally.  Getting up early to get to the office early is not only ridiculous, but apparently exhausting.  Couple that with the fact that arriving early does not necessarily mean I leave early and some days it is unbearable.  Feel bad for me yet? Nah, I didn't think so.

Here's what I remember since I last posted:

Thursday is a blur. B was recovering from some disgusting virus so we went for a romantic dinner at the coney island.  Then...nothing.

Friday was just too much for me I guess. I fell asleep at 7:00. That's PM in case you were wondering.  After returning from dinner which involved watching a man in a wheelchair use his legs to literally walk while seated which made B declare that "defeated the whole point of a wheelchair" and I to declare "maybe his butt was sore" which made absolutely no sense, I decided to lay down because I had a slight headache. I even left the bedroom light on so I wouldn't fall asleep.  After about an hour, I got up and moved to the couch to watch TV. I proceeded to do this for the next two hours. With my eyes closed.  And my mouth open.  There may have been snoring involved.  Thereafter, I moved back to the bedroom, told B I was going to bed to which he responded "you probably shouldn't have left in the first place." Touche.*

Fifteen hours later (don't judge - I was exhausted) I awoke to GET THINGS DONE.  This involved going online, getting lost in blog reading and being disturbed a couple of hours later by B who declared we had to go to the cider mill right then and there as it was NOW OR NEVER.  Although thrown about as a threat, I took it as an invitation and off we went to eat donuts and drink cider and watch cider being made yet again.  Every year it is the same routine.  And every year we act surprised as to how it is done.  Like we don't know that crushed apples will come down the chute, wrapped in the tarp to be crushed. Every year I will ask B "but where does the juice GO?" and every year he shows me the keg like contraption complete with a hose.  Oooooh and ahhhh.  Although we do not ooohhh and ahhh audibly like some people in the audience did.  Made me wonder just what they thought was going to come down that chute? Coal?  Maybe nothing.  In the wise words of a nearby three year old "maybe the apples are all stuck together."  It could happen, I suppose.

And Sunday? Oh Sunday. Full of breakfast, mad grocery shopping and deal seeking. I do not know how those deal seeking people do it. I get stressed every time.  You know what doesn't help being stressed while seeking deals?  Being stalked by a guy in a scooter stuck perpetually in reverse.  Nothing gets a greater rise out of me then hearing beep-beep-beep.  That stupid annoying reversing sound found on all trucks and apparently on scooters at the grocery store.  And this man? HE COULD NOT DRIVE FORWARD.  All he did was reverse.  Beep-beep-beep. And follow me from aisle to aisle. I was quite honestly going mad. At some point I just yelled "I can't take it anymore" and ran from the aisle with my cart while some lady looked at me strangely.  Later, upon finding my Mom and griping about said man, she informed me he was following her too.  Like mother, like daughter, stalked by crazy reversing guy.

And what was the craziest thing to have occurred this weekend? I worked, real work, from home. Rarely happens. I just cannot focus as well at home. But THINGS NEEDED TO BE DONE.  Like how I phrase important things in all caps? Gives them greater effect.  Anyway, lots of work was done. Hours of work.  This occurred while the "slimy but good" pot roast was cooking and the "yummy" cookies and the "somewhat crispier" cookies were baking.  Yes, it was family dinner day and although B said the pot roast was slimy, I will forgive him because (a) he does not like gravy - silly boy, (b) he also said it was good, and (c) he did not suffer from food poisoning or immediately contract a violent stomach virus like after last week's cooking.  But that's a post for another day....

*That word does not have the same effect if the accent is not present on the e.  Touche to that as well.

Memo to...

MEMO

To: Coworker

From: Me

"Dramatical" is not a word. In fact, I do not even believe it is the combination of two separate words. Thus, I have no idea what you are trying to convey. Your insistence on making up words and utilizing them in a professional setting has resulted in my completely ignoring you.

~Dani~

---------------------------------

MEMO

To: B

From: Me

When I raise my injured hand in the air as you approach me on the couch, that is NOT an invitation to give me a HIGH FIVE! Love the thought, but the execution was quite painful.

~Dani~

----------------------------------

MEMO

To: Me

From: Me

You have an injured hand. The can of corn left you with three stitches. Thus, it is not wise to CLAP YOUR HANDS to emphasize a point. Unless, of course, the point was to show your two partners how loudly you can say F@ck. If so, mission accomplished.

~Dani~

----------------------------------

MEMO

To: Can of Corn

From: Me

I am still bitter about Sunday. So much so that I cannot bear to take you to the recycling box. Admittedly I am a bit scared too. It would look more than a tad bit ridiculous if I were to get another cut and more stitches. People would think I was doing it on purpose. I may ask B to recycle you but I am sure he would make some comment about how I was threatening to sue the corn company on the way to the hospital and how we will need to save the "evidence."

~Dani~

----------------------------------

MEMO

To: Random Guy at Lunch

From: Me

Remember when it was a cool thing to say to people "so, are you working hard or hardly working"? Those days are in the PAST. You look like a fool. A behind-the-times fool and you are not even that old.

~Dani~

----------------------------------

MEMO

To: Searcher of Blogs

From: Me

I know you stumbled upon my blog by searching for "riddle for ant in the carpet" but I am not sure what you were trying to find out. I know you ended up here, but I do not think that satisfied your query. Did you want a riddle to tell an ant in the carpet? Was the riddle that there WAS an ant in the carpet? Inquiring minds want to know. Heck, I think the ant wants to know.

~ Dani~