The Amityville Office

My office is not haunted, that I know of, at least.  However, it is filled with bugs. Way too many bugs for an office on the second floor. Again, I am puzzled as to how the bugs get there, kind of like the ants.  The flying bugs I can see making their way up to us, but the crawlers? Why did they choose the second floor over the first?

Now when I say filled with bugs that might be a slight exaggeration, but only slight. In fact, just last week I saw two GIANT horse flies, a dead bee, a giant crawly thing and a mosquito that I squished in my office. That was in one day. Just one.  Here is where I will tell you that my office building is really nice.  I know you don't believe me, but it is true. I guess bugs just like nice offices.

I first noticed this bug problem shortly after starting. There was the ugliest scariest looking bug in my office one day.  Luckily he was only by the door and after I glared at him awhile, or shrieked, he casually walked across the hall into the office of a guy who is rarely there, so I proceeded to get up and shut his door.  The bug made an appearance later that week at which time I decided SOMETHING MUST BE DONE. So I went to one of the partners (yes I go straight to the top) and said "come kill this crazy looking bug."  He took one look at the bug and said "oh, that's a [insert crazy long bug name here] bug. We get those all the time." and then he WALKED AWAY.  Um, no.  I made him come back and kill or remove the bug. To this day I am not sure which he did. He was right though. I saw quite a few of those bugs throughout the past couple of years. Usually just walking along the walls minding their own business. To say I and the bugs have become friends would be a stretch, but I have learned to tolerate their presence.

The huge horse flies, dead bees and mean looking bugs? Those things are new. They stormed in all at once and quite honestly, I think the office is possessed. After spotting the two horse flies and passing the dead bees, I was beginning to think that our office was resembling the set of a horror flick.  Then I went into a partner's office.  We were discussing important things, no doubt, when he pointed and said "Is that a fly on the wall?"  Sure enough, he was pointing at one of the huge horse flies.  His question unleashed all of my fears and so I responded accordingly:

"Yes! That is a huge horse fly [pointing at fly]! He is one of TWO huge flies. This office is full of bugs - full of them! There are these two HUGE horse flies, dead bees, mosquitoes and crazy crawly bugs. Look, I am telling you right now, this office is like The Amityville house.  And, if I hear anything that remotely sounds like "get out!" I am getting the heck out of here without a second thought. I hope you are with me."

You are wondering if I really did say that. Yes, I did. And I really would be out of there. If a building speaks, you have to listen. Especially when there are horse flies, bees and other bugs all around you.  And also, when your phone was previously haunted.  If my love of horror movies has taught me anything, it is to pay attention to the signs.

I am calling in sick tomorrow.

Fall is the Season for Falling.

This weekend B and I accompanied the family to an old time Halloween trick or treat event. You can see some pictures here.  We walked through the village with all the employees in costumes, some even scary.  And we got to trick or treat - as adults. How fun is that? I wasn't even wearing a costume. I am such a spoil sport.  You can also see the treats we got here.

Now, I must say, my family-in-law is no less warped than I which is why I really love them. Let me give you an example.  My nephew starts crying, probably because he was the only one in costume yet he was stuck in a stroller not able to see a thing.  My brother in law took him out to carry him. My sister in law then pushed an empty stroller - well not entirely empty, full of everyone's trick or treat stash.   We enter a VERY dark drawbridge where we have been told there may be a monster. I don't like that. Monsters are not that big of a deal.  Being jumped at and screamed at in the dark on a bridge scares the bejezus out of me.  So, I tell B that he must hold my arm because I am scared. 

B then proceeds to announce to everyone that I am scared because I do not like drawbridges where you can see in between the panels.  Okay, that is true. But I hadn't even noticed that until he said it. I am sweating right now just thinking about it.  B, fondly remembering the terrifying story I told him about my childhood and how I cried all the way across one of these bridges and almost refused to go back, decided it would be funny to try to TRIP ME!  Are you kidding me? My husband is cruel. Plain and simple.

The best part, however, came upon exiting the dark drawbridge. For some reason everyone was screaming inside the drawbridge for no apparent reason (other than I who was screaming at B for being so cruel) until we exited. Just as the crowd quieted down, my sister in law announced "my baby's gone!" to which we all immediately laughed knowing my brother in law had him.  Those around us were not laughing. In fact, we even got a few dirty looks.  Geez, kind of ruins the whole trick part of trick or treat, don't you think people?

I must say, though, that this event was much better than our trip last Christmas when I did not have long johns, froze my butt off and also tripped and fell - to the ground.  My brother in law was kind enough to tell us to watch our step and remind me of that fall this time around.  I like to think he was being kind and protective. Unlike B who, had he remembered, would have said "don't fall" knowing that I would indeed, fall.  Which all stems from this story:

It was our first year together in the fall. We decided to go on a date to the apple orchard.  B thought it would be a good idea to walk down by the river.  On the way up, for no apparent reason, B said "be careful, don't fall" to which I immediately tripped and fell. In the dirt. Which was wet. And it was raining. I looked like a total disaster.  There have been a couple of times since that episode where I have immediately fallen upon B telling me to "watch out", "be careful" and "don't fall."  It is like some bizarre trigger and he knows it and uses it to his advantage. In fact, he may have said it last year at Christmas.  

I wouldn't put it past him. 

She Who Laughs Last Gets the Cookie

At a reader request, I have diagrammed my parking story where a lady parked behind me after I drove through the parking space and then inexplicably wanted me to move after I apologized.  Not sure the diagram really helps though. I believe it is puzzling because it just does not make any sense. We were both parked - no reason for anyone to move. As you can see she would have been only slightly closer to the store if she had been where I was.  

Posting this, however, reminded me of another story of cutting in front of people but this time I was the cutee* or the-one-who-was-cut-in-front-of.  A few weeks ago I decided to go to Panera to get some yummy soup for lunch.  I was on the phone with my mom while I waited to be called next in line.  (No worries, I do not talk on the phone or hold it to my ear while I am ordering and paying at a restaurant, or in a bank or in a store -  I have some manners). The way this place is set up, there are five different cashiers spread out over about 12 feet.  So, people form one general line and wait for the next available cashier to wave them over.  At the time, I was the only "people" waiting. Suddenly, I see two men walk in, walk AROUND me and proceed to stand in front of me as I if I were just standing there like some lost little child.  I immediately said to my mom "I have to go, it's an emergency" and hung up my phone.  I needed total concentration.

I put on my real angry face and huffed.  No one listened. The guys got called to a register and, as luck would have it, I was called to one two down from them. There was another customer between us.  I ordered my soup and drink and also a chocolate chip cookies (god, I love those things).  The cookies are usually placed out in front of the cash registers and can disappear quickly.  I had not yet taken my cookie, and was just about to put my change away, when I hear one of the two rude guys say "and a chocolate chip cookie."  That was it - game on!!

As soon as I heard those words, I quickly scanned the cookies, saw ONE chocolate chip cookie and swooped right in. I reached ACROSS the person in between us and snatched the last chocolate chip cookie while saying Ha! inside my head.  As I took the cookie, I heard the cashier say "it appears we have no more chocolate chip cookies."  Double Ha!  Who's going to cut in front of me now? Huh? The person WITHOUT a chocolate chip cookie.  That's who.

Guess who didn't have the last laugh? That would be me. I sauntered over to the pop machine, all proud of myself and my not so secret revenge**, and as I put my cup down on the counter and reached for a straw, rude man came and filled his glass, right under my nose.  Well played, rude man, well played.  He probably deserved a cookie for that slick maneuver. Too bad, I had the last one.

Maybe I did have the last laugh after all.  

UPDATE:  This post made me want Panera so I went today. The cashier must have recognized me because after I said I wanted a cookie and then noticed there were no chocolate chip ones, I started to say "do you have any..." and she replied "yes" and went to retrive a chocolate chip cookie without me specifying what kind.  So, she either thinks I am (a) a crazy lunatic that will do evil unspeakable things for a chocolate chip cookie or (b) I am a cool avenger righting the wrongs in the world one cookie at a time.  I'd like to think (a) but the truth is she probably thinks (b) and just wanted me the heck out of the place!

*this is obviously not a word. Spell check keeps wanting to make it cutey, but that would take away from the viciousness of this crime.

**I am not normally so vengeful. At least, I don't normally act on my vengence.  Don't judge.  It was a cookie you know. A very, very good cookie.