Flashback Friday: Got Any Lube?

B suggested that I also write about things that happened in my past on my blog. Since I love taking suggestions, at least those that I like, I thought "good idea." And here you have it, my first "flashback". So retro.

Do you ever wake up singing a song in your head? I do. Almost every day. In fact, today's song was Alanis Morissette's "All I Really Want". The other day, it was "I Want a New Drug" by Huey Lewis & the News. You are probably thinking, "Huey Lewis and the What?" and with good reason. Just trust. I was a preteen and it had a catchy beat. Well, it did then. I hear it now and I kind of cringe. It also had some very deep lyrics that went something like this:

I want a new drug.

One that won't make me sick.

One that won't make my eyes swell up

Or make me feel three feet thick

One that won't make me nervous

wondering what to do

One that makes me feel

like I feel when I'm with you

All ALONE with you

Profound right? Yep, I did that from memory.* Please, hold your applause until the end.

Now, when I was a preteen, I apparently liked to break out in song while walking down the street. So, one day, my Mom and I were walking down the street when I started singing this song. My Mom, however, heard something different:

Mom: Did you just say you want a lube job?

Me: WHAT? A lube job? Um, NO. I said I want a NEW DRUG.

Mom: Oh [as if it was perfectly acceptable for her daughter to be singing about drugs]

Mom: Well it sounded like lube job and I was concerned.

I can only imagine what my Mom's inner dialogue was at that time:

Did I just hear my daughter say she wants a lube job? What on earth is she singing? Does she know what lube is? HOW DOES SHE KNOW WHAT LUBE IS? I am going to have to start monitoring her music. Crap! Now I feel like those crazy moms in Elvis times. Or like those parents in that Footloose movie. Wait, I''ll just ask her what she's talking about...

Meanwhile, here was my inner dialogue:

A lube job? Mom has lost her mind. Why would Huey Lewis & the News sing about an oil change?

*Yep, those lyrics from my memory are all messed up. Whatever. That is how I remember it folks. All of the correct words are there, just in the wrong places. Welcome to my brain.

Everybody's Crazy for a Long Grassed Man

The other day I happened to see a couple walking by down our side street from my office window. That is where all the good spying is. Just ask B. Anyhow, the couple were all wrapped up in each other and kissing while also walking a dog. Now THAT is some talent folks. They were older. He was hunchbacked. She had white hair.

I then thought to myself "Wow there are TWO old couples in this hood that like to make out in public places." Nope. Turns out I was wrong. There is only one couple. It was them. Our long grassed neighbors. Apparently he is hunchbacked. Although not from yard work.*

Later that day, I told B this story. He was not as shocked as I except for the part where they ventured from their yard. That was so unusual. As we were speaking, they came out into their yard. One had a claw and one had a shovel. We watched in quiet anticipation. Was this the moment they would start to garden?** Would there be a lawnmower involved, we wondered.

Then they started making out and all our hopes were dashed.

*Can you even get hunchbacked from yard work? Who knows. Maybe a doctor. I am no doctor.

**Know what else I noticed that day? They compost. Really? They cannot cut their grass but they can compost?

Crime Watch Wednesday: Third Times the Stab

This week's crime watch chronicles brings us the tale of a lady who has been to the emergency room one too many times, yet somehow hasn't learned her manners:

A woman was arrested after threatening employees of a hospital with a 3 inch pair of metal scissors. She threatened to stab everyone in the emergency room. Although the hospital had treated her earlier, she became belligerent and started cursing and demanding drugs. She is a well known visitor to the hospital.

Nothing like threatening someone with scissors the size of a chapstick. And now you are up for aggravated assault because of it? Smooth lady. Not going to get your drugs now, are you?

This story reminds me of this lady my family saw in the hospital last summer. We were also in the emergency room due to a family member's illness (not mine for once!!) when we heard all kinds of belligerence and cursing. A woman, quite like the one above, was yelling and cursing and threatening to burn the hospital down. Even though I have been known to swear like a sailor (thanks bro!), that woman made ME blush with her string of profanity. The hospital staff would go in her room two and three at a time. Some were big burly men. All of them looked exhausted. No matter how nice they were, she would just continue to threaten them and, apparently us as we were in the hospital she planned on burning down. Finally they gave her some drugs and off she went to la la land. It was then that we got the chance to see her.

She was 90 years old and weighed about 90 pounds.

I guess mean things can come in small packages. Weapons, however, should be large. No one will take you seriously when you are waiving scissors meant for baby nails.

Take note.